Your network impacts every single aspect of your life, from having someone to call if you were suddenly hospitalized to your professional opportunities to your sense of belonging.
So why does the idea of building that network make people feel so bad?
Networking has a reputation for being uncomfortable and transactional. A single reframe can change your entire approach to establishing a strong network:
- The insecurity: Networking is about extracting from others.
- The pivot: Networking is about investing in others.
This may sound similar to the benefits of socializing in general. But there are distinct differences between socializing and networking, which must be understood to be effective in these valuable moments when you’re meeting people for the first time.
The Productive Networking Model and P.A.I.R. Framework are original concepts developed by Kayla Ihrig.
Socializing versus Networking
Networking is socializing with purpose. They’re both important, but they develop relationships in different ways. Socializing is one of life’s great joys, and it’s an essential part of building long-term relationships. But networking — the decisive intake process where new relationships are sought out — is purpose-driven.
Understanding your purpose (beginning with a general awareness of what you want) steers conversations down a path you hope to go.
For example, say an international researcher wishes to grow their career in the Netherlands. They attend a networking event, but they spend two hours talking to others about their pets, their cultural backgrounds, or the Dutch weather. One by one, the conversations of the day are left to chance, and the odds of them going to a useful place are minimal.
Social conversations can drift onto any topic, or they can fail to go anywhere. These “failure to launch” conversations often start with one of these common killers:
- How are you?
- What do you do?
- Where are you from?
Autopilot questions result in autopilot responses. Without thinking about it, most people will automatically respond “I’m good, and you?” when asked how they are. Conversations have to overcome these pre-scripted openers in order to go somewhere meaningful.
Understanding how to start and nurture new conversations will create a night-and-day difference in your conversations. This is the difference between productive and unproductive networking.
Productive Networking
The topic of truly bad networking could go on forever and encompasses every cliché social faux pas, like asking someone you’ve just met if they’re pregnant. This section assumes a basic foundation of social awareness, but it’s important to realize that social awareness alone doesn’t lead to productive networking.
Productive networking goes beyond social niceties and answers these questions, both directly and indirectly:
- What brought you here today?
- What are your goals?
- Do we have anything in common in the context of this event?
This also requires you to have an awareness of your own purpose.
Realistic Networking Outcomes
Networking outcomes are rarely direct. When you attend a career mixer in Groningen, your odds of meeting a recruiter who will directly offer you a job are low. The real gains are often indirect ripple effects. In a region where professional communities are small and interconnected, these ripple effects travel further and faster than they would in a larger city.
In the North, the real indirect outcomes look like this:
- Social: Growing a peer group that understands your specific experience
- Informational: Learning from people one step ahead of you
- Professional: Being referred when a job opening appears down the road, before it’s ever advertised publicly
- Visibility: Becoming a recognizable name to recruiters and hiring managers through consistent presence on LinkedIn and at events
You’ve likely heard the saying “it takes a village.” Investing in our network reminds us that if we want a village to help us, we have to be a villager to others. Just as friendships are a two-way street, networking (done well) benefits both parties. And in provinces like Groningen, Drenthe, and Friesland, it means that building that village has a huge impact.
Networking in the Northern Netherlands
The Randstad is roughly five times more densely populated than the North. This means that in a city like Amsterdam, you could attend five different professional networking events and meet five different groups of people each time.
But in Groningen? You’d start recognizing faces right away. If you’ve lived in the North long, then you’ve probably experienced this already.
For example, I run a social group for local entrepreneurs called the Groningen ZZP Hub. At one meetup, four new members had met each other previously while buying things from Facebook Marketplace months or years prior.
I encourage internationals to see this as a positive thing. A smaller pond means that visibility is easier to achieve and the reputation you earn has more of an impact.
In the context of professional networking, this means that every opportunity counts. First impressions and relationships shouldn’t be treated like they’re disposable. The recruiter you speak to at one company might be an ex-colleague of the person who will interview you in six months. I’ve seen recruiters share this exact sentiment on LinkedIn.
This is “via via” culture in action: information traveling through informal networks of people who know each other.
Urgency Without Guidance on Implementation
Internationals are told repeatedly to network by Dutch peers, advice forums online, and the Dutch government itself. The website Welcome to NL, commissioned by the Dutch Ministry of Economic Affairs, lists networking as the number one piece of advice for internationals to find a job.
The need is clear, but no methodology is provided to help internationals navigate these networking conversations. The Productive Networking Model fixes that.
The Productive Networking Model
The Productive Networking Model is made of three elements: purpose, conversation, and relationships. At the center of these elements lives the P.A.I.R. Framework (explained below), which guides you through having productive conversations in professional settings.
Purpose
Purpose is the single differentiator between socializing and networking. Understanding your purpose and letting it guide you has three ingredients:
- Intent: Why are you here today?
- Introduction: Framing your story in alignment with your intent.
- Permission: You belong here and by talking to others, you’re doing what you’re supposed to do.
Let’s look at an example of an international professional attending a career event in Groningen hoping to build a successful career in the Netherlands.
| Lacking Purpose | With Purpose | |
| Intent | No clarity on why you’re here and what you want to get out of this event. | You’re at this event with the goal of meeting other international professionals in the North and learning about what’s helped them in their career growth so you can apply it to your own journey. |
| Introduction | Introduction covers your life story. You start talking about your cats or any other random topic, and conversations don’t touch the core subjects that could’ve helped you. | You introduce yourself in the context of your career and your goals. What you say is focused, and therefore more memorable when meeting people. |
| Permission | You’re not sure if you should be there or not. You feel like you’re bothering people by speaking to them. | You understand that everyone here is investing in each other. You know that an investment from you is valuable, and you feel worth being invested in. |
Intent, a clear introduction, and comfort being in the room are the foundation that have laid the groundwork for productive conversations. Next comes the actual conversation.
Conversation
Conversation skills come naturally to some, while being a challenge for others. But conversation skills are just that: skills.
Just as you once learned to eat a tompoes and ride a bike, you can learn how to have positive conversations. The art of becoming a great conversationalist is a subject with incredible depth in the subjects of psychology, sociology, and communication studies.
Rather than getting lost in the archives of research, I challenge you to practice these three habits (which are the mistakes I see made most often):
- Phone away: Your phone’s presence negatively impacts your social experience, even when it’s face down and on silent (Harvard Business Review). It also erodes the experience for your conversation partner (Virginia Tech).
- Active listening: Actively listening helps you absorb what people are saying and get to know them beyond the surface level. A simple framework for active listening is to receive information, process it, reflect it back to the speaker, and respond.
- Ask personalized questions: Respond to what you hear with follow-up questions. Asking follow-up questions increases your likability (Harvard Business School). It also helps you move past surface-level small talk.
The exception for your phone? At the end of a conversation, when you pull it out to turn a one-off meeting into a budding relationship.
Relationships
A one-off conversation does not automatically turn into a professional relationship — especially in the Netherlands. The “kennismaken” period differs between backgrounds, and it’s slower in the Netherlands than in many other countries.
This takes repeated contact over time, and it’s the step that most people skip when networking because they feel like they don’t know what to say. These steps help facilitate that:
| Follow up | Connect on LinkedIn right away and send a thoughtful message that reflects on the conversation you had in-person within 24 hours. |
| Stay visible | Comment on LinkedIn and post content of your own so people “see” you in the context of your profession. |
| Progress over time | Move from a stranger to a name that people know, like, and trust by showing up regularly over time. |
The “know, like, trust” principle is a marketing term that describes the process consumers go through with a new product, transitioning from not knowing what the product is to trusting it and its seller. The same psychology applies to people.
Purpose, conversation, and relationships are the foundation of the Productive Networking Model. But knowing the theory and knowing what to say and what to do with your hands when you’re standing at the edge of a room full of strangers are two different things.
The P.A.I.R. Framework
The P.A.I.R. Framework is the bridge between understanding productive networking and successfully doing it. It’s a repeatable tool for approaching anyone, anywhere, with purpose.
I’ve designed it to help you implement the Productive Networking Model in real-time. It stands for:
- P: Positive observation
- A: Ask about intent
- I: Introduce yourself
- R: Retain the connection
Why start with a positive observation?
P: Positive Observation
Overused, scripted conversation starters like “how are you” and “what do you do” put everyone’s brain on autopilot. Instead, make a positive observation about the event you’re at.
This begins the conversation with a personalized, relevant topic.
How this can sound: “I didn’t expect a workshop on discrimination in the workplace to be so positive, but it was very empowering. Were you also surprised?”
A: Ask About Intent
Inquire about why someone attended the event. This is as simple as asking “What made you come to this event today?”
This creates an opening for someone to introduce themselves in the context of the event. It also allows you to see if there’s any overlap between your goals and look for ways that you can support each other.
Here are some examples of conversations that can stem from understanding someone’s goals at a professional event.
| Relationship | Conversation |
| Two people are looking for jobs in a similar field | Have you learned anything helpful so far? Have you encountered any surprises about this industry in the Netherlands? I’ve learned X, Y, Z. |
| One person is job searching and the other is employed in a different field | Is there anything different in your field here than in the Netherlands? Were there any cultural surprises when you started working at your company? |
| One person is new to the Netherlands, while the other person is well established here | What do you wish you had known when you first moved here? Is there anything you’d do differently? |
Opening with this question instead of “how are you, what’s your name?” immediately focused the conversation on what you have in common. After discussing intent, it’s time for an introduction.
I: Introduce yourself
Many conversations start with an introduction, but it’s almost impossible to retain someone’s name when you’re just meeting.
This is especially true in a group setting, where several people go around and introduce themselves at once. If one member of the circle can initiate a conversation instead of a round of forgettable “hi, I’m [name] and I do [marketing]” introductions, everyone will benefit.
Respond to someone’s intent by sharing your own motives for attending, then introduce yourself in the context of your goals.
How this can sound: “I can really relate to your reason for coming today because I’m also job searching. By the way, I’m [name] and I [work in marketing]…”
R: Retain the Connection
Retention is essential for any interesting connection. The most natural way to connect at professional events is on LinkedIn.
Strategic networkers will have a LinkedIn QR code set as their phone background so that event attendees can quickly scan it to connect. Rana of INDSponsors taught me this trick at a networking event, and I can’t believe I ever connected with people the manual way.
By initiating this and offering your QR code to scan, you do a few things simultaneously:
- Impression: Proactive and savvy, making a strong impression.
- Organization: This guarantees a list of connection requests waiting in your inbox for easy follow-up after the event.
- Easy out: If you wish not to connect with someone but they’ve initiated this step, you can have them send you a request and simply not accept it when the event ends.
How this can sound: “Can we connect on LinkedIn before I go?” [offers QR code on phone]
This is where relationships move from the real-life networking event onto LinkedIn’s 24/7 networking event.
LinkedIn Networking in the Age of AI
LinkedIn is a 24/7 networking event. There is no easier place to build relationships than on this platform. But, like everything else, it’s been greatly impacted by the prevalence of AI-generated content.
Being successful requires an understanding of the psychology of the platform and an investment in time. Understanding why starts with what AI has done to professional trust.
Relationship Economy
AI ushered in the “relationship economy,” where relationships have greatly increased in value but are harder to establish.
That’s because authenticity and originality are no longer assumed.
In 2021, an international in the Netherlands could share a post on LinkedIn in Dutch about their profession, and it would signal to their network that they:
- Learned the language
- Understood the field
- Took the time to organize and share their thoughts, hoping to start a discussion
Now, when that same post is shared, no one assumes that it was written by them. Every post, photo, and video shared online begs the question: was this original, or was it AI?
This skepticism has created a larger buffer zone between meeting someone and feeling like you can trust them. Knowing how to interact and what to share expedites this.
Using LinkedIn to Build Trust
AI-generated content has eroded our trust in each other, but the solution is not as simple as sharing human-generated content. That’s a start, but a few specific intentions bridge “know” with “like” and “trust” faster.
| Why it Matters | How to Achieve This | |
| Know | No one “knows” another person after meeting them once. You must be visible online for weeks or months before someone really feels that they know you. | Contribute to conversations in your industry that will be seen by your network. Show up on people’s home feed and notifications. |
| Like | Social psychology says that we should give if we want to receive: this is the rule of reciprocity. Giving to others makes you more likeable and signals an investment, making you more investable yourself. | Give the engagement you wish to receive on LinkedIn. Leave thoughtful comments on people’s posts. Send thoughtful direct messages. Be visible congratulating, recommending, and supporting others. |
| Trust | Human content and original ideas build trust, allowing someone to evaluate you online. Consistency beats intensity: engaging slowly for weeks/months will build trust more effectively. Sending a flurry of messages in one week and then disappearing will immediately shatter any trust that was there. | Share your work, processes, and milestones publicly to reinforce the association of you and your field of work with people you’ve met. Respond to messages and comments from those you’ve met to reinforce your relationship. |
What does trust-building LinkedIn content look like? Here are examples from international professionals in the Netherlands:
- Khadijah (Rana) Sajarana is an entrepreneur sharing weekly updates on a platform she’s built that helps internationals in the Netherlands.
- Sophia Umaru is a graduating master’s student sharing her experience working in the North and the lessons she’s learned about the industry and culture.
- Ankita Sumod works in tech and shares news about the progress Groningen companies are making in her profession.
These examples did three things simultaneously: they made the authors visible, positioned them in the context of their work, and anchored them to the North. This type of content is highly effective, as long as you write it yourself.
No AI Writing
AI writing repels people. Particularly on LinkedIn, where AI content is so common that some people block users who appear to be sharing AI-generated posts to train the algorithm not to show them this type of content.
Plus, at a time when so many people are using AI, doing so resigns you to hiding in plain sight. This is especially true if you’re using AI to write for you in Dutch. The AI “tells” that are so obvious to us in our own language are much less obvious when using AI to generate text in Dutch. It’s practically a guarantee to sound inauthentic.
Stick Out or be Invisible
At a time when CVs and cover letters are increasingly identical, sticking out has never been more valuable.
Visibility is free on LinkedIn: it only costs your time. But almost no one leverages it.
Internationals are told repeatedly that networking and visibility are key to job searching. These are both abstract topics, but they can be combined into one simple process:
- Open LinkedIn daily.
- Engage with people in your industry in the Netherlands. Leave personalized comments on their posts, sharing your thoughts, asking follow-up questions, or tagging others who may find the content interesting.
- Send thoughtful, personalized connection requests.
- Post content once a week that reinforces what you do and where.
LinkedIn themselves say that posting once a week can lead to 4x as many profile views. Here are some examples of posts you can make.
| Who You Are | What You Do | Post Idea |
| Graduating master’s student | Recently finished a thesis and is preparing to graduate | One unexpected thing your research taught you about the Dutch approach to [topic] |
| International PhD researcher | Conducting research at a Dutch university | Document a milestone in your research process |
| Postdoc | Transitioning from academia into the corporate world | Write about one skill from your research career that translates directly to the private sector roles you’re applying for in the Netherlands |
| Trailing spouse | Rebuilding a career after relocating for a partner’s job | Share a positive observation about something that’s different about the job listings you’re applying to here versus your old role at home |
| Bachelor’s student | Final year, job searching in the Netherlands | Pick the best lesson you learned from your manager or teammates, and tag them to say thank you |
| Career changer | Pivoting industries after arriving in the Netherlands | Attend a local event in your new desired field and share your takeaways, tagging people you met there |
If you feel nervous posting, try to push past the fear of being seen.
Display Warm and Competent Social Skills
The goal of a LinkedIn conversation is to move from the comments (public forum) to direct messages (private). This is where you transform from being just a name on the screen to a real person.
Warmth and competence are universal dimensions of social perception (ScienceDirect). Yet 50% of communication on LinkedIn lacks these signals completely.
When you message in direct messages on LinkedIn, retain normal social skills. Introduce yourself. Mention how you found someone’s profile. Use their name. This sounds obvious, but 30% of the messages in my LinkedIn inbox right now have abandoned all social norms.
Personalize your communication with others, and you’ll stick out immediately (in the best way).
The Final Ingredient is Effort
You’ve been told repeatedly how network-focused the Netherlands is. At every turn, you’re encouraged to build your network to help you get a job or even an apartment viewing.
We can rarely control outcomes in our job search or integration process. No one can make a recruiter give them an interview or force a landlord to offer them an apartment. All we can control is the effort that we put in.
I can’t convince anyone who hates the idea of networking to suddenly enjoy speaking to strangers. But I do hope that the Productive Networking Model and the P.A.I.R. Framework give you the comfort you need to put in the effort.
The next stranger you meet might be exactly who you were looking for. You just have to start the conversation.
The Productive Networking Model and P.A.I.R. Framework are not the only ways to network, as no single “right” way exists. These are two tools to help internationals overcome feelings of insecure and aimless networking.
If you have any comments or questions, leave a comment below or reach out to me on LinkedIn.